Seek Solace, find none. One has my shield (endure any sufferance). One has my sword (spread any sufferance). One has my heart (simulacrum of sufferance). None have my soul (command of sufferance). I need only the last. Leading edge.....SOLO ERRANT.
Say it, I will heed it, you quartet, my houris and the meeting of twins. Not exactly "wise-men" all, but all I have left, and how many of them? We'll see.
Monday, December 4, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Leading edge
Dreams and aspirations drive many people to their goals and finish lines. The truest dreams, lead the journey down the challenging and honing path of creation, destruction and profound adaptation....
I am a becoming. This is what I seek. I have no final stop. MY dream, my aspiration, is to expand my mind, my soul, my horizons. Never stop. Learning is the lesson. I learn from each and everyone of you, and I thank you all for this, from the deepest shadowed recesses of my incandescent soul.... Every day holds the possibility that a new experience is just around the corner. No drugs needed. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. How BORING would THAT be? *laughs*
I once held limited dreams. They were shattered. It may have been the best thing that ever happened to me (excluding times with other people that are part of my life-those are NEVER superceded). I am so much more now than my dreams ever could have foretold. My "dreams" now, are less about flying, and more about triumph. I have no need to seek an angel any longer.
I am my becoming my very own force to be reckoned with.....I am here to be the best. My saga enters stage now. You can start to be a part, or you can continue to be a part. Rehearsals are over. What do you wanna do?
This is my future. What is YOURS? *smile*
I am a becoming. This is what I seek. I have no final stop. MY dream, my aspiration, is to expand my mind, my soul, my horizons. Never stop. Learning is the lesson. I learn from each and everyone of you, and I thank you all for this, from the deepest shadowed recesses of my incandescent soul.... Every day holds the possibility that a new experience is just around the corner. No drugs needed. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. How BORING would THAT be? *laughs*
I once held limited dreams. They were shattered. It may have been the best thing that ever happened to me (excluding times with other people that are part of my life-those are NEVER superceded). I am so much more now than my dreams ever could have foretold. My "dreams" now, are less about flying, and more about triumph. I have no need to seek an angel any longer.
I am my becoming my very own force to be reckoned with.....I am here to be the best. My saga enters stage now. You can start to be a part, or you can continue to be a part. Rehearsals are over. What do you wanna do?
This is my future. What is YOURS? *smile*
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Before I lay me down to rest
I think I'll try for a little more upbeat. Still gonna be a little of the "soul laid bare" if you will, but in a hopefully more positive note.
I grew up in a not too peculiar, but not necessarily preferred set of circumstances. Divorce, and re-marriages were part of my life and almost seemed normal to me growing up. This never meant that I preferred to see them happening, just that they were "par for the course"--to be expected. I have always hoped that I would never put anyone through the same set of circumstances I went through, and saw my own mother and father go through. Time will tell.
I was constantly exposed to the military, and to law enforcement as well. Seems sometimes that those career fields go hand in hand with tumultuous relationships. (My life is a case in point in some ways) I did have a constant, continuous desire to serve others though, as nearly all the men I looked up to growing up served others in some capacity.
When my mother taught me (through action and emotion) that love and compassion are not only reserved for people you gain something from, I took it to heart. Allie pointed it out a time ago, and I had never thought of it before, but I realize more and more each day that it is true. I do not know how to be in love, I do not know much about being a man in modern romance, I do not know how to see everything at just a surface level. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, and here's why: I love. I really, well, and truly love people. I have never met a person that had no redeeming value. Most everyone I meet has a whole gamut of wonderful traits. Not all get as close to me as Allie, or Gwen, but some get very close indeed. MY love for each of them is true. Perhaps stronger for some, but no less, or more, true. I cannot seem to help myself. Life is simply full of amazing things. People, places, events.....all things in this life have something to reveal, something to share. I want to be allowed to love people that way, and be accepted for it. I also sometimes want to be romantically loved, and briefly, it seems, I am allowed this at times. I only want what is best for those people though, and sometimes in my intent, I become misguided and put myself in a position to be even more misunderstood than ever before. Sometimes it even makes these people I love angry. I am sorry when it does. I really don't mean to be so alien to the people I care so much about.
I know that there is probably no one else on quite like me. I can accept that. I hope every day that there are people that feel similar. I may be strange to some, but that does not mean I am truly a man apart in every way. I love, I lust, I cry, I bend, I break, I heal, I hurt, I cheer, I smile, I do everything, and feel everything just like you do. I have always aspired to temper these feelings with a measure, or code. This is the first time I have ever attempted to put it in writing, so here it is. I hope this helps some of you understand me, and maybe it will help me understand myself better too. By the way, these things I feel and want to live up to, because I have either seen them in action, or seen the results of lacking them, sometimes by my own hand, sometimes not.....
Harm no innocents -- Strength is given for their protection by the strong
Love purely -- No matter the type of love, let it be deep and true
Mercy grant -- There is no chance of learning or redemption if no mercy is given
Do not be false -- Real deception destroys any possibility of understanding
Communicate -- Solving problems is only possible if you know there is one
Forgiveness -- Because you too probably need it at times, so give it rightly
Be true -- Once a friend, always a friend, if not, then never were
Persevere -- Never give up when challenged, for nothing worth having is easy
Adapt -- Things may not go your way, but if they are going right for others, you can revel in their triumph
Apologize -- Never let the sun go down on an arguement
I wrote this because I am still trying to get someone to understand me bit by bit. I need them to understand, so that everything will be fine. Because I am me, and I will never stop. I will only get better, and I am getting better mostly because of her, and the few others in my life as amazing as she is. She is MG, and I love her with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help make her happy.
I am going to bed now. I am tired, and I just wanna be in the comforting, loving arms of an angel. I shall search again for one, in my dreams.
I grew up in a not too peculiar, but not necessarily preferred set of circumstances. Divorce, and re-marriages were part of my life and almost seemed normal to me growing up. This never meant that I preferred to see them happening, just that they were "par for the course"--to be expected. I have always hoped that I would never put anyone through the same set of circumstances I went through, and saw my own mother and father go through. Time will tell.
I was constantly exposed to the military, and to law enforcement as well. Seems sometimes that those career fields go hand in hand with tumultuous relationships. (My life is a case in point in some ways) I did have a constant, continuous desire to serve others though, as nearly all the men I looked up to growing up served others in some capacity.
When my mother taught me (through action and emotion) that love and compassion are not only reserved for people you gain something from, I took it to heart. Allie pointed it out a time ago, and I had never thought of it before, but I realize more and more each day that it is true. I do not know how to be in love, I do not know much about being a man in modern romance, I do not know how to see everything at just a surface level. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, and here's why: I love. I really, well, and truly love people. I have never met a person that had no redeeming value. Most everyone I meet has a whole gamut of wonderful traits. Not all get as close to me as Allie, or Gwen, but some get very close indeed. MY love for each of them is true. Perhaps stronger for some, but no less, or more, true. I cannot seem to help myself. Life is simply full of amazing things. People, places, events.....all things in this life have something to reveal, something to share. I want to be allowed to love people that way, and be accepted for it. I also sometimes want to be romantically loved, and briefly, it seems, I am allowed this at times. I only want what is best for those people though, and sometimes in my intent, I become misguided and put myself in a position to be even more misunderstood than ever before. Sometimes it even makes these people I love angry. I am sorry when it does. I really don't mean to be so alien to the people I care so much about.
I know that there is probably no one else on quite like me. I can accept that. I hope every day that there are people that feel similar. I may be strange to some, but that does not mean I am truly a man apart in every way. I love, I lust, I cry, I bend, I break, I heal, I hurt, I cheer, I smile, I do everything, and feel everything just like you do. I have always aspired to temper these feelings with a measure, or code. This is the first time I have ever attempted to put it in writing, so here it is. I hope this helps some of you understand me, and maybe it will help me understand myself better too. By the way, these things I feel and want to live up to, because I have either seen them in action, or seen the results of lacking them, sometimes by my own hand, sometimes not.....
Harm no innocents -- Strength is given for their protection by the strong
Love purely -- No matter the type of love, let it be deep and true
Mercy grant -- There is no chance of learning or redemption if no mercy is given
Do not be false -- Real deception destroys any possibility of understanding
Communicate -- Solving problems is only possible if you know there is one
Forgiveness -- Because you too probably need it at times, so give it rightly
Be true -- Once a friend, always a friend, if not, then never were
Persevere -- Never give up when challenged, for nothing worth having is easy
Adapt -- Things may not go your way, but if they are going right for others, you can revel in their triumph
Apologize -- Never let the sun go down on an arguement
I wrote this because I am still trying to get someone to understand me bit by bit. I need them to understand, so that everything will be fine. Because I am me, and I will never stop. I will only get better, and I am getting better mostly because of her, and the few others in my life as amazing as she is. She is MG, and I love her with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help make her happy.
I am going to bed now. I am tired, and I just wanna be in the comforting, loving arms of an angel. I shall search again for one, in my dreams.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Here's your rotating red flashy light
AM and MG, this does NOT apply to either of you.
I am done trying. You say you want someone that will be there, someone that cares, someone that will fight for you, someone that will remain faithful. I say bullshit. If that were true, then myself, and a few of the other REALLY true men I know would not always be wondering why they are always subject to drama and games.
Some of you say I am overly dramatic. Okay, here's the rub: I am just trying desperately to get the games to stop. I don't know what else to do. I am the real thing. Some of the other guys I know are too. Just tell us, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't want to be with a guy that actually cares about me right now." We'll try to understand. We probably never will, but even though we don't understand it, we'll accept it, because we really do love you. Not some sort of puppy love or lust, but rather, REAL, sincere, human to human, heart to heart, glad to be alive and every person we know matters to us...LOVE.
Yes, we are wierd because of it. No you will not understand us at first. All we ask, is that you would give us a chance. We are not trying to be strange, we simply cannot make ourselves do that which we know in our very souls to be wrong.
We cannot take advantage of you, we cannot be false to you, we cannot be wronged by your actions as long as they truly make you happy.
-Yes, we still want you. Very much so, we just aren't willing to disrespect you or ourselves enough to be arrogant or presumptuous about it.
-Yes, we can still tell you a lie, or hide things. We WANT you to askus about these things, but only you. We need to know that someone will accept the amount of trust we put in them.
-Yes, it still hurts us everytime when you go out with another guy that we just know doesn't want whatever you except for eye candy, or a trophy, or sex, or whatever.
We are seemingly punished for caring, and for now, I am done being punished. Most of you have my phone number. You can call me for once, and ask me out. Am I worth it? Yes, but, I am worth so much more you won't believe for a long time, if you ever do....and I am only getting better.
I am done trying. You say you want someone that will be there, someone that cares, someone that will fight for you, someone that will remain faithful. I say bullshit. If that were true, then myself, and a few of the other REALLY true men I know would not always be wondering why they are always subject to drama and games.
Some of you say I am overly dramatic. Okay, here's the rub: I am just trying desperately to get the games to stop. I don't know what else to do. I am the real thing. Some of the other guys I know are too. Just tell us, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't want to be with a guy that actually cares about me right now." We'll try to understand. We probably never will, but even though we don't understand it, we'll accept it, because we really do love you. Not some sort of puppy love or lust, but rather, REAL, sincere, human to human, heart to heart, glad to be alive and every person we know matters to us...LOVE.
Yes, we are wierd because of it. No you will not understand us at first. All we ask, is that you would give us a chance. We are not trying to be strange, we simply cannot make ourselves do that which we know in our very souls to be wrong.
We cannot take advantage of you, we cannot be false to you, we cannot be wronged by your actions as long as they truly make you happy.
-Yes, we still want you. Very much so, we just aren't willing to disrespect you or ourselves enough to be arrogant or presumptuous about it.
-Yes, we can still tell you a lie, or hide things. We WANT you to askus about these things, but only you. We need to know that someone will accept the amount of trust we put in them.
-Yes, it still hurts us everytime when you go out with another guy that we just know doesn't want whatever you except for eye candy, or a trophy, or sex, or whatever.
We are seemingly punished for caring, and for now, I am done being punished. Most of you have my phone number. You can call me for once, and ask me out. Am I worth it? Yes, but, I am worth so much more you won't believe for a long time, if you ever do....and I am only getting better.
Sunday, November 5, 2006
Obviously not important to anyone else
If I send you a message, and it seems like I'm lonely, I probably FUCKING AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for not giving a shit. I tried to explain........oh, I don't know...........65,000 times.........no matter. You know what, I forsook some people that don't really give shit about me tonight, for some people that supposedly do....I still don't know. WHY? Well because, if you put your arm around a girl, and all you REALLY FUCKING MEAN IS HEY, I'M HERE, AND I'M GLAD YOU ARE TOO. GUESS WHAT?! NO ONE FUCKING CARES!?!!?? HAHA YOU'RE DICK ISN'T BIG ENOUGH, YOUR PICTURE ISN'T FUCKING "GQ" ENOUGH, or you actually give a damn....... and they are gonna wonder why these assholes don't call or give a fuck later. You know what? Go fuck yourselves. I gave you EVERY BIT OF MYSELF THAT I COULD AND YOU PISSED ALL OVER IT.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Wandering in my apartment
I have to drive to work in about an hour......it is 2:50 in the morning right now.... As usual, I can't sleep. Kinda works out, as I am almost done with the housecleaning I was doing all weekend. Thank God my roommate is a sound sleeper.
I am having a bit of a strain with what I have been doing all day. Not bad, necessarily. Just....getting reminders, and RE-affirming what I already knew. I can't say I know what to do about it. I don't. I got myself into a place I was never supposed to be. Since I can't be normal, it seems, I just ended up hurting myself by all accounts. It's just that I KNOW I am doing what I am supposed to....doing the RIGHT thing. Nobody is supposed to do that anymore, though. I can't be a different man than the one I am, and although I don't know how I came to be this way: I want to be me, I like me, and if I ever get a fair fucking shake, I am pretty sure others can like me too!
I can laugh at thoughts of my friends when they are not around, and shed tears in that laughter, because I love them, and my world is better for them. I hope other people do the same thing, but I suspect if they do, it isn't very common, and those that can, do it seldom. I hope so deeply that I am underestimating people..... If others know not life through their eyes in wonder as I do, then I pray to whatever God they wish that they may one day bask in the knowledge freely.
I create my own travesty, even when I am only working my self to death to avoid it. What irony. The more honest I am, the less people believe me. The more respect I have for a person, the more they doubt me. The more I give, the more people believe I do it for reciprocity. No matter how hard I try, or how strong I can be, there is no power that can keep me from being my own worst enemy. No one wants a man to be true to his friends or to them. People only want someone that they can complain about, someone that doesn't give a damn about them, just so they can have a challenge to meet, and change. Sometimes, I see how aimless others are, and it nearly breaks me inside, because I know that I love them too, even though they would never believe me. No one ever does until it is too late for me. I just hurt.
I am having a bit of a strain with what I have been doing all day. Not bad, necessarily. Just....getting reminders, and RE-affirming what I already knew. I can't say I know what to do about it. I don't. I got myself into a place I was never supposed to be. Since I can't be normal, it seems, I just ended up hurting myself by all accounts. It's just that I KNOW I am doing what I am supposed to....doing the RIGHT thing. Nobody is supposed to do that anymore, though. I can't be a different man than the one I am, and although I don't know how I came to be this way: I want to be me, I like me, and if I ever get a fair fucking shake, I am pretty sure others can like me too!
I can laugh at thoughts of my friends when they are not around, and shed tears in that laughter, because I love them, and my world is better for them. I hope other people do the same thing, but I suspect if they do, it isn't very common, and those that can, do it seldom. I hope so deeply that I am underestimating people..... If others know not life through their eyes in wonder as I do, then I pray to whatever God they wish that they may one day bask in the knowledge freely.
I create my own travesty, even when I am only working my self to death to avoid it. What irony. The more honest I am, the less people believe me. The more respect I have for a person, the more they doubt me. The more I give, the more people believe I do it for reciprocity. No matter how hard I try, or how strong I can be, there is no power that can keep me from being my own worst enemy. No one wants a man to be true to his friends or to them. People only want someone that they can complain about, someone that doesn't give a damn about them, just so they can have a challenge to meet, and change. Sometimes, I see how aimless others are, and it nearly breaks me inside, because I know that I love them too, even though they would never believe me. No one ever does until it is too late for me. I just hurt.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
So the learning curve works like this for me.....
I live, I love, I believe, I fail, I try again.
I have learned so much in the past 2-3 years, I cannot even begin to describe or share all of it.
I want to mention one thing to everyone that reads this though: be careful what you strive to be good at, or where you excel. Sometimes, you don't want to be that good. Wisdom, seems to be knowing the differences. I just get to find out over time, and occasionally when a birdy whispers in my ear......would be better for it to not be the hard way.
I have learned so much in the past 2-3 years, I cannot even begin to describe or share all of it.
I want to mention one thing to everyone that reads this though: be careful what you strive to be good at, or where you excel. Sometimes, you don't want to be that good. Wisdom, seems to be knowing the differences. I just get to find out over time, and occasionally when a birdy whispers in my ear......would be better for it to not be the hard way.
Sunday, October 8, 2006
Not much time
No matter how timely my respite
I find myself not quite right
The times I've fallen down
Always come back around
No chances mine ring true
Swear I do nothing for you
I'm going
I'm going
I'm going
I'm gone
Really did you think I'm different
Then why'd you treat me the same
See me reach my limit
Slowly headed insane
You could have cherished this love
Instead you spite it too
Just don't worry anyway
This love can ne'er abandon you
but
I'm going
I'm going
I'm going
I'm gone
I find myself not quite right
The times I've fallen down
Always come back around
No chances mine ring true
Swear I do nothing for you
I'm going
I'm going
I'm going
I'm gone
Really did you think I'm different
Then why'd you treat me the same
See me reach my limit
Slowly headed insane
You could have cherished this love
Instead you spite it too
Just don't worry anyway
This love can ne'er abandon you
but
I'm going
I'm going
I'm going
I'm gone
Sunday, October 1, 2006
Why have I been drugged up? Ok.....so.....
Over a year ago, I dislocated my shoulder, and tore up some of the stuff that makes it work right. [Playing futbol (Soccer) mind you....how'd THAT be, you ask? Only me....] Instead of staying in Germany like I should have, I came back to the states, and had to wait an extra 6 months to get the damn thing fixed. Yep, stationed at "The home of Army medicine" and all that....still took 6 more months. Kinda crappy bu not really TOO big of a deal. The BAD part: no Gwen. REALLY wish she coulda been here to take care of me. The GOOD part: Allie IS here. She has been watchin out for me. This is important, because #1 I needed it physically (one arm and all that) and #2 I have to take drugs during the first couple of weeks, and she helps me stay (sorta) sane.
Let's just hope the repairs did all they were supposed to do. Even with Allie trying to keep me from getting TOO bored, she has the normal stuff to do, along with a cute little rugrat to take care of, and a husband to welcome home. One helluva lady, and one amazing friend to boot!
I'm hopin that after they take the stitches out, I may be able to drive to FL and get some of my stuff.......not to mention, see my sisters, brother and various other blood relations.
Let's just hope the repairs did all they were supposed to do. Even with Allie trying to keep me from getting TOO bored, she has the normal stuff to do, along with a cute little rugrat to take care of, and a husband to welcome home. One helluva lady, and one amazing friend to boot!
I'm hopin that after they take the stitches out, I may be able to drive to FL and get some of my stuff.......not to mention, see my sisters, brother and various other blood relations.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Cut MEEEEEE!!!!!
Choppy Choppy tomorrow!!!! Sleeeeeeep...... hey, at least I should get a little bit o rest outta the "`ol saw bones'" this time.....Choppy Choppy.......Poke...poke...poke....MGS-H and AMH-B.....thank GOD at least one can be there....sleepies now...
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Enough
Can't people just stop lying about shit? Maybe come clean? Do people all think they are the best liars in the world? Do women think men don't ever talk to one another about mutual women? Do men think vice-versa? Stupid. If someone requests for you to stop lying to them, it would be best to own up to the lies you HAVE told, no just trying to hide them more, or hope no new ones surface. At least then they know you actually care enough to risk the embarassment and/or anger. If you lie to me, please stop. I am really tiring of it, and as my fatigue grows, so does the gulf between us.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Rapid fire
Holy Crap. AWESOME WEEK! HYPER BUSY! Worth it. Learned TONS. God I love challenges at work. I work with some of the most amazing people on earth. You either work with them too, or you WISH you did!!!!! Hells Yeah. Ended with a kick ass dinner at my best friend's place. Yum. To the Soldiers: You guys FUCKING ROCKED THIS PAST WEEK! Much Love! Errands to run now, then chillin'......later.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Where's MY Dragon?
COVET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there is no end for the sightless, then I will be the end. I will stand amongst the well defended, and as such shall they be truly defended as well. For well is not truly and lonely can happen even when you are in a crowded whirlpool that you can't help but sink yourself into. Anyone have a rebreather? Why not some physical support on that, huh? Too out of range, huh.......then why did the first chance just act as mystery....?
GOD DAMMIT! Covet ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there is no end for the sightless, then I will be the end. I will stand amongst the well defended, and as such shall they be truly defended as well. For well is not truly and lonely can happen even when you are in a crowded whirlpool that you can't help but sink yourself into. Anyone have a rebreather? Why not some physical support on that, huh? Too out of range, huh.......then why did the first chance just act as mystery....?
GOD DAMMIT! Covet ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Resigned
I am just a man. You know that, right? I mean, I know I push myself too far sometimes, believing I can be so much more, at least in heart, mind and soul, if not in body. I need forgiveness for so many things, I don't believe I can ever be forgiven in totality. Most are of a time I would rather forget--before I became the person I am now....... I thought that knowing myself meant I am allowed to know others too, I was wrong. I ignored the spirit of my own law of self to not manipulate people, and although I have not done that, I have been contrary to the spirit of my self by speculation and supposition on things about which I know not enough. I am not meant to know some things, and my fear of the unknown has often gotten the better of me. I am dependant on truth, and when I cannot get the unabashed truth, I fear it is my onus to seek it, or be detroyed by the lack thereof. I am not always right. I have been burned down enough to know when it is happening again, and now I see it happening from three sides, simultaneously. Maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I am not. I know though, that I cannot bear this much longer. I don't know what you want. You won't tell me, and I am too far adrift in my own tumbled mind to discern it for myself. I just need to know I won't lose you. Any of you.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
S & T
Sinless Seeking Seared Soulless Scars Subtley, Simply Sounding Self's Surrender So Someone Saw Seriously Sad. Too Terrible To Traverse Together, Travesty Tears Time 'Twixt Two Twined Travellers.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Want more? Have some insight.....
How often must a person try to prove themselves to others before they finally convince themselves of their worth?
Does a human flaw mean one must forever be lacking?
Why is it, we can all claim to be so different, yet reflect upon our hearts a moment, and know without a doubt we wish for the same basic thing? (I say basic, but it damn sure isn't simple.)
You think you are going about it all wrong....truth is, everyone else feels the same way about SOMETHING.
We want to find the solution to problems that have no solution. There is no goal to some challenges, only the pursuit of them. Life does not require finality, but commitment.
Pain comes relentlessly light for some. Wounds never heal for others.
EVERYONE has scars. Some scars teach, while some block us from the truth.
There are givers, and there are takers. Two givers go together, a giver and a taker go together, but two takers destroy one another.
Many of us, want someone for true, for life, for heart and for soul.
Some of us, were meant to never have it. Cursed to try no matter what.
Mine......is but to serve it seems.
Does a human flaw mean one must forever be lacking?
Why is it, we can all claim to be so different, yet reflect upon our hearts a moment, and know without a doubt we wish for the same basic thing? (I say basic, but it damn sure isn't simple.)
You think you are going about it all wrong....truth is, everyone else feels the same way about SOMETHING.
We want to find the solution to problems that have no solution. There is no goal to some challenges, only the pursuit of them. Life does not require finality, but commitment.
Pain comes relentlessly light for some. Wounds never heal for others.
EVERYONE has scars. Some scars teach, while some block us from the truth.
There are givers, and there are takers. Two givers go together, a giver and a taker go together, but two takers destroy one another.
Many of us, want someone for true, for life, for heart and for soul.
Some of us, were meant to never have it. Cursed to try no matter what.
Mine......is but to serve it seems.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Care or not, public reading
Stop your assumptions. Look it up-Chevalier mal fet. Maybe you know what it means to you, but you haven't found what it means to me yet. The day you do, you will understand me. Maybe not all of me, but more than you do now. You may hate me for it (more assumptions, no doubt) but you may love me for it. Truth is, I just want to be loved that way. The same way I love others. The way I was always told was the right way. Evidently it is wrong, I would say impossible, but I feel it, so I know that isn't true. Everyone just tells me (or doesn't and ridicules me instead) how wrong I must be for being me. Well, I have news for you: being me is just fine. I may not go to heaven, I may not go to hell, but I will never abandon anyone for one or the other. I am not what you expected. I never was, and I never will be. Give me the benefit of the doubt sometime, see who I really am at face value. Just do me a favor: stop lying to me, hiding things, bullshitting, falsifying, trying to protect me, trying to 'spare my feelings' whatever. It is just pissing me off, since I know it is happening anyway, and you don't seem to care enought about me to stop and right those wrongs. Give me a little back. I am not asking anymore. I need it. Otherwise, I am an empty shell becoming shattered at having given all I could and it never being good enough.
If you think this may apply to you.....ask yourself why it would. If you come up with a couple reasons why it would, then it probably does. If you know it MUST be about you, you are probably wrong, because it is not only you.
If you think this may apply to you.....ask yourself why it would. If you come up with a couple reasons why it would, then it probably does. If you know it MUST be about you, you are probably wrong, because it is not only you.
Monday, July 3, 2006
Day and day.......
You have a part of you. You don't know it, but you do. You didn't know it when you found it. You FELT it when you turned away from it. You didn't know how confused you really were by its power. You are doing, and will do, everything you can and MORE to keep it as close to you as ever it was. Then some days.......it isn't there. Welcome to lost, and not being whole on the days without. Oh,God......... let it never be too late for somethings......the right things. It is the best part of you, that you never have.
Sunday, July 2, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
:)
What a great day! Got sun, got swim, ate steak. Raining now, but good timing. Allie and Josh's son Noah is a damn riot. I want the amazing like they have. Someday. Not sure what the hell is going on.....but hey, had a great day.....
Saturday, April 29, 2006
When you always are
Is it ever enough to infrequently declare
Something that never changes, forever there
First in my thoughts in line with the best
What makes you surpass none but the rest
Incomparably stunning and selfless in will
Some moments force me to relish this hell
One littered with clouds and bathed in your light
Scoured clean hearts with naught but the love
Chevalier mal fet, the ill starred knight
Forever yours, no matter behoove
Knowing just that you lift me up high
With this force of compassion your heart and your soul
Standing me up for my unlonely abyss
Something that never changes, forever there
First in my thoughts in line with the best
What makes you surpass none but the rest
Incomparably stunning and selfless in will
Some moments force me to relish this hell
One littered with clouds and bathed in your light
Scoured clean hearts with naught but the love
Chevalier mal fet, the ill starred knight
Forever yours, no matter behoove
Knowing just that you lift me up high
With this force of compassion your heart and your soul
Standing me up for my unlonely abyss
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I said I needed to write.....
Miss Me
Just a small favor, a trifle, you see.
Far more durance I guess 'ere be me.
Not looking for breaches or penniless shame.
Hoping for parallel fol'win my name.
Prior would work, just as well yes.
Never surely my uncertain guess.
Read my thoughts when I spell them
Trample my guts when I spill them
Could heart lock away, aye
Was I not caught between
Stretched through the air from event to event
Not yet understanding what I meant
Your responsible now
I've not hidden out
Make worth what worth's demand
Distant leaves no hand in hand
Unequal place to serve so rough
Never knowing why enough
I also ran, have you forgot
But for your love, miss me not.
Just a small favor, a trifle, you see.
Far more durance I guess 'ere be me.
Not looking for breaches or penniless shame.
Hoping for parallel fol'win my name.
Prior would work, just as well yes.
Never surely my uncertain guess.
Read my thoughts when I spell them
Trample my guts when I spill them
Could heart lock away, aye
Was I not caught between
Stretched through the air from event to event
Not yet understanding what I meant
Your responsible now
I've not hidden out
Make worth what worth's demand
Distant leaves no hand in hand
Unequal place to serve so rough
Never knowing why enough
I also ran, have you forgot
But for your love, miss me not.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
*Yawn
Tired......must sleep.......was a quick day. Got some clothes I needed. Got my baby an oil change etc. She is such a sexy beech. I need to wax her again. Need to leave early tomorrow or Sunday and try to catch a season pass to Six Flags Fiesta Texas. Maybe Sea World too.....dunno though, as sooner or later I think the Army Docs are gonns say I need to have my shoulder fixed.....dammit.....roller coasters are gonna have to wait a while after that one....Progressive Direct is kinda shitty for insurance. They don't believe me about have insurance before because they can't check with the German company, and I haven't heard back from the German company since I sent them e-mail yesterday, 'cause most of that country is on holiday. Still need to get my Florida registration done too. Not enough money and time. Need money for plane tickets, TWICE, and although I will have it no problem, I wanna do it all NOW. Heh. Patience is a virtue....I know.......Gwen, I hope you buy your tickets soon.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
The picture
So I was drinking, and the pic is a CRAZY close-up. I am NOT that psycho, crazy yes, see Gwen for that one, but not psycho. Steve, this was at New Years LAST year at Maxwell's anyway, so you were THERE, lol.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)