Wandering in my apartment

I have to drive to work in about an hour......it is 2:50 in the morning right now.... As usual, I can't sleep. Kinda works out, as I am almost done with the housecleaning I was doing all weekend. Thank God my roommate is a sound sleeper.

I am having a bit of a strain with what I have been doing all day. Not bad, necessarily. Just....getting reminders, and RE-affirming what I already knew. I can't say I know what to do about it. I don't. I got myself into a place I was never supposed to be. Since I can't be normal, it seems, I just ended up hurting myself by all accounts. It's just that I KNOW I am doing what I am supposed to....doing the RIGHT thing. Nobody is supposed to do that anymore, though. I can't be a different man than the one I am, and although I don't know how I came to be this way: I want to be me, I like me, and if I ever get a fair fucking shake, I am pretty sure others can like me too!

I can laugh at thoughts of my friends when they are not around, and shed tears in that laughter, because I love them, and my world is better for them. I hope other people do the same thing, but I suspect if they do, it isn't very common, and those that can, do it seldom. I hope so deeply that I am underestimating people..... If others know not life through their eyes in wonder as I do, then I pray to whatever God they wish that they may one day bask in the knowledge freely.

I create my own travesty, even when I am only working my self to death to avoid it. What irony. The more honest I am, the less people believe me. The more respect I have for a person, the more they doubt me. The more I give, the more people believe I do it for reciprocity. No matter how hard I try, or how strong I can be, there is no power that can keep me from being my own worst enemy. No one wants a man to be true to his friends or to them. People only want someone that they can complain about, someone that doesn't give a damn about them, just so they can have a challenge to meet, and change. Sometimes, I see how aimless others are, and it nearly breaks me inside, because I know that I love them too, even though they would never believe me. No one ever does until it is too late for me. I just hurt.