Wandering in my apartment

I have to drive to work in about an hour......it is 2:50 in the morning right now.... As usual, I can't sleep. Kinda works out, as I am almost done with the housecleaning I was doing all weekend. Thank God my roommate is a sound sleeper.

I am having a bit of a strain with what I have been doing all day. Not bad, necessarily. Just....getting reminders, and RE-affirming what I already knew. I can't say I know what to do about it. I don't. I got myself into a place I was never supposed to be. Since I can't be normal, it seems, I just ended up hurting myself by all accounts. It's just that I KNOW I am doing what I am supposed to....doing the RIGHT thing. Nobody is supposed to do that anymore, though. I can't be a different man than the one I am, and although I don't know how I came to be this way: I want to be me, I like me, and if I ever get a fair fucking shake, I am pretty sure others can like me too!

I can laugh at thoughts of my friends when they are not around, and shed tears in that laughter, because I love them, and my world is better for them. I hope other people do the same thing, but I suspect if they do, it isn't very common, and those that can, do it seldom. I hope so deeply that I am underestimating people..... If others know not life through their eyes in wonder as I do, then I pray to whatever God they wish that they may one day bask in the knowledge freely.

I create my own travesty, even when I am only working my self to death to avoid it. What irony. The more honest I am, the less people believe me. The more respect I have for a person, the more they doubt me. The more I give, the more people believe I do it for reciprocity. No matter how hard I try, or how strong I can be, there is no power that can keep me from being my own worst enemy. No one wants a man to be true to his friends or to them. People only want someone that they can complain about, someone that doesn't give a damn about them, just so they can have a challenge to meet, and change. Sometimes, I see how aimless others are, and it nearly breaks me inside, because I know that I love them too, even though they would never believe me. No one ever does until it is too late for me. I just hurt.

Cricket.....cricket

It is late. I am bored. Just for posterity: My Houris, I love you all. Siaynoq!

So the learning curve works like this for me.....

I live, I love, I believe, I fail, I try again.

I have learned so much in the past 2-3 years, I cannot even begin to describe or share all of it.

I want to mention one thing to everyone that reads this though: be careful what you strive to be good at, or where you excel. Sometimes, you don't want to be that good. Wisdom, seems to be knowing the differences. I just get to find out over time, and occasionally when a birdy whispers in my ear......would be better for it to not be the hard way.

Not much time

No matter how timely my respite

I find myself not quite right

The times I've fallen down

Always come back around

No chances mine ring true

Swear I do nothing for you

I'm going

I'm going

I'm going

I'm gone



Really did you think I'm different

Then why'd you treat me the same

See me reach my limit

Slowly headed insane

You could have cherished this love

Instead you spite it too

Just don't worry anyway

This love can ne'er abandon you

but

I'm going

I'm going

I'm going

I'm gone

Why have I been drugged up? Ok.....so.....

Over a year ago, I dislocated my shoulder, and tore up some of the stuff that makes it work right. [Playing futbol (Soccer) mind you....how'd THAT be, you ask? Only me....] Instead of staying in Germany like I should have, I came back to the states, and had to wait an extra 6 months to get the damn thing fixed. Yep, stationed at "The home of Army medicine" and all that....still took 6 more months. Kinda crappy bu not really TOO big of a deal. The BAD part: no Gwen. REALLY wish she coulda been here to take care of me. The GOOD part: Allie IS here. She has been watchin out for me. This is important, because #1 I needed it physically (one arm and all that) and #2 I have to take drugs during the first couple of weeks, and she helps me stay (sorta) sane.

Let's just hope the repairs did all they were supposed to do. Even with Allie trying to keep me from getting TOO bored, she has the normal stuff to do, along with a cute little rugrat to take care of, and a husband to welcome home. One helluva lady, and one amazing friend to boot!

I'm hopin that after they take the stitches out, I may be able to drive to FL and get some of my stuff.......not to mention, see my sisters, brother and various other blood relations.