Dreams and aspirations drive many people to their goals and finish lines. The truest dreams, lead the journey down the challenging and honing path of creation, destruction and profound adaptation....
I am a becoming. This is what I seek. I have no final stop. MY dream, my aspiration, is to expand my mind, my soul, my horizons. Never stop. Learning is the lesson. I learn from each and everyone of you, and I thank you all for this, from the deepest shadowed recesses of my incandescent soul.... Every day holds the possibility that a new experience is just around the corner. No drugs needed. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. How BORING would THAT be? *laughs*
I once held limited dreams. They were shattered. It may have been the best thing that ever happened to me (excluding times with other people that are part of my life-those are NEVER superceded). I am so much more now than my dreams ever could have foretold. My "dreams" now, are less about flying, and more about triumph. I have no need to seek an angel any longer.
I am my becoming my very own force to be reckoned with.....I am here to be the best. My saga enters stage now. You can start to be a part, or you can continue to be a part. Rehearsals are over. What do you wanna do?
This is my future. What is YOURS? *smile*
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Before I lay me down to rest
I think I'll try for a little more upbeat. Still gonna be a little of the "soul laid bare" if you will, but in a hopefully more positive note.
I grew up in a not too peculiar, but not necessarily preferred set of circumstances. Divorce, and re-marriages were part of my life and almost seemed normal to me growing up. This never meant that I preferred to see them happening, just that they were "par for the course"--to be expected. I have always hoped that I would never put anyone through the same set of circumstances I went through, and saw my own mother and father go through. Time will tell.
I was constantly exposed to the military, and to law enforcement as well. Seems sometimes that those career fields go hand in hand with tumultuous relationships. (My life is a case in point in some ways) I did have a constant, continuous desire to serve others though, as nearly all the men I looked up to growing up served others in some capacity.
When my mother taught me (through action and emotion) that love and compassion are not only reserved for people you gain something from, I took it to heart. Allie pointed it out a time ago, and I had never thought of it before, but I realize more and more each day that it is true. I do not know how to be in love, I do not know much about being a man in modern romance, I do not know how to see everything at just a surface level. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, and here's why: I love. I really, well, and truly love people. I have never met a person that had no redeeming value. Most everyone I meet has a whole gamut of wonderful traits. Not all get as close to me as Allie, or Gwen, but some get very close indeed. MY love for each of them is true. Perhaps stronger for some, but no less, or more, true. I cannot seem to help myself. Life is simply full of amazing things. People, places, events.....all things in this life have something to reveal, something to share. I want to be allowed to love people that way, and be accepted for it. I also sometimes want to be romantically loved, and briefly, it seems, I am allowed this at times. I only want what is best for those people though, and sometimes in my intent, I become misguided and put myself in a position to be even more misunderstood than ever before. Sometimes it even makes these people I love angry. I am sorry when it does. I really don't mean to be so alien to the people I care so much about.
I know that there is probably no one else on quite like me. I can accept that. I hope every day that there are people that feel similar. I may be strange to some, but that does not mean I am truly a man apart in every way. I love, I lust, I cry, I bend, I break, I heal, I hurt, I cheer, I smile, I do everything, and feel everything just like you do. I have always aspired to temper these feelings with a measure, or code. This is the first time I have ever attempted to put it in writing, so here it is. I hope this helps some of you understand me, and maybe it will help me understand myself better too. By the way, these things I feel and want to live up to, because I have either seen them in action, or seen the results of lacking them, sometimes by my own hand, sometimes not.....
Harm no innocents -- Strength is given for their protection by the strong
Love purely -- No matter the type of love, let it be deep and true
Mercy grant -- There is no chance of learning or redemption if no mercy is given
Do not be false -- Real deception destroys any possibility of understanding
Communicate -- Solving problems is only possible if you know there is one
Forgiveness -- Because you too probably need it at times, so give it rightly
Be true -- Once a friend, always a friend, if not, then never were
Persevere -- Never give up when challenged, for nothing worth having is easy
Adapt -- Things may not go your way, but if they are going right for others, you can revel in their triumph
Apologize -- Never let the sun go down on an arguement
I wrote this because I am still trying to get someone to understand me bit by bit. I need them to understand, so that everything will be fine. Because I am me, and I will never stop. I will only get better, and I am getting better mostly because of her, and the few others in my life as amazing as she is. She is MG, and I love her with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help make her happy.
I am going to bed now. I am tired, and I just wanna be in the comforting, loving arms of an angel. I shall search again for one, in my dreams.
I grew up in a not too peculiar, but not necessarily preferred set of circumstances. Divorce, and re-marriages were part of my life and almost seemed normal to me growing up. This never meant that I preferred to see them happening, just that they were "par for the course"--to be expected. I have always hoped that I would never put anyone through the same set of circumstances I went through, and saw my own mother and father go through. Time will tell.
I was constantly exposed to the military, and to law enforcement as well. Seems sometimes that those career fields go hand in hand with tumultuous relationships. (My life is a case in point in some ways) I did have a constant, continuous desire to serve others though, as nearly all the men I looked up to growing up served others in some capacity.
When my mother taught me (through action and emotion) that love and compassion are not only reserved for people you gain something from, I took it to heart. Allie pointed it out a time ago, and I had never thought of it before, but I realize more and more each day that it is true. I do not know how to be in love, I do not know much about being a man in modern romance, I do not know how to see everything at just a surface level. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, and here's why: I love. I really, well, and truly love people. I have never met a person that had no redeeming value. Most everyone I meet has a whole gamut of wonderful traits. Not all get as close to me as Allie, or Gwen, but some get very close indeed. MY love for each of them is true. Perhaps stronger for some, but no less, or more, true. I cannot seem to help myself. Life is simply full of amazing things. People, places, events.....all things in this life have something to reveal, something to share. I want to be allowed to love people that way, and be accepted for it. I also sometimes want to be romantically loved, and briefly, it seems, I am allowed this at times. I only want what is best for those people though, and sometimes in my intent, I become misguided and put myself in a position to be even more misunderstood than ever before. Sometimes it even makes these people I love angry. I am sorry when it does. I really don't mean to be so alien to the people I care so much about.
I know that there is probably no one else on quite like me. I can accept that. I hope every day that there are people that feel similar. I may be strange to some, but that does not mean I am truly a man apart in every way. I love, I lust, I cry, I bend, I break, I heal, I hurt, I cheer, I smile, I do everything, and feel everything just like you do. I have always aspired to temper these feelings with a measure, or code. This is the first time I have ever attempted to put it in writing, so here it is. I hope this helps some of you understand me, and maybe it will help me understand myself better too. By the way, these things I feel and want to live up to, because I have either seen them in action, or seen the results of lacking them, sometimes by my own hand, sometimes not.....
Harm no innocents -- Strength is given for their protection by the strong
Love purely -- No matter the type of love, let it be deep and true
Mercy grant -- There is no chance of learning or redemption if no mercy is given
Do not be false -- Real deception destroys any possibility of understanding
Communicate -- Solving problems is only possible if you know there is one
Forgiveness -- Because you too probably need it at times, so give it rightly
Be true -- Once a friend, always a friend, if not, then never were
Persevere -- Never give up when challenged, for nothing worth having is easy
Adapt -- Things may not go your way, but if they are going right for others, you can revel in their triumph
Apologize -- Never let the sun go down on an arguement
I wrote this because I am still trying to get someone to understand me bit by bit. I need them to understand, so that everything will be fine. Because I am me, and I will never stop. I will only get better, and I am getting better mostly because of her, and the few others in my life as amazing as she is. She is MG, and I love her with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help make her happy.
I am going to bed now. I am tired, and I just wanna be in the comforting, loving arms of an angel. I shall search again for one, in my dreams.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Here's your rotating red flashy light
AM and MG, this does NOT apply to either of you.
I am done trying. You say you want someone that will be there, someone that cares, someone that will fight for you, someone that will remain faithful. I say bullshit. If that were true, then myself, and a few of the other REALLY true men I know would not always be wondering why they are always subject to drama and games.
Some of you say I am overly dramatic. Okay, here's the rub: I am just trying desperately to get the games to stop. I don't know what else to do. I am the real thing. Some of the other guys I know are too. Just tell us, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't want to be with a guy that actually cares about me right now." We'll try to understand. We probably never will, but even though we don't understand it, we'll accept it, because we really do love you. Not some sort of puppy love or lust, but rather, REAL, sincere, human to human, heart to heart, glad to be alive and every person we know matters to us...LOVE.
Yes, we are wierd because of it. No you will not understand us at first. All we ask, is that you would give us a chance. We are not trying to be strange, we simply cannot make ourselves do that which we know in our very souls to be wrong.
We cannot take advantage of you, we cannot be false to you, we cannot be wronged by your actions as long as they truly make you happy.
-Yes, we still want you. Very much so, we just aren't willing to disrespect you or ourselves enough to be arrogant or presumptuous about it.
-Yes, we can still tell you a lie, or hide things. We WANT you to askus about these things, but only you. We need to know that someone will accept the amount of trust we put in them.
-Yes, it still hurts us everytime when you go out with another guy that we just know doesn't want whatever you except for eye candy, or a trophy, or sex, or whatever.
We are seemingly punished for caring, and for now, I am done being punished. Most of you have my phone number. You can call me for once, and ask me out. Am I worth it? Yes, but, I am worth so much more you won't believe for a long time, if you ever do....and I am only getting better.
I am done trying. You say you want someone that will be there, someone that cares, someone that will fight for you, someone that will remain faithful. I say bullshit. If that were true, then myself, and a few of the other REALLY true men I know would not always be wondering why they are always subject to drama and games.
Some of you say I am overly dramatic. Okay, here's the rub: I am just trying desperately to get the games to stop. I don't know what else to do. I am the real thing. Some of the other guys I know are too. Just tell us, "Hey, I really like you, but I don't want to be with a guy that actually cares about me right now." We'll try to understand. We probably never will, but even though we don't understand it, we'll accept it, because we really do love you. Not some sort of puppy love or lust, but rather, REAL, sincere, human to human, heart to heart, glad to be alive and every person we know matters to us...LOVE.
Yes, we are wierd because of it. No you will not understand us at first. All we ask, is that you would give us a chance. We are not trying to be strange, we simply cannot make ourselves do that which we know in our very souls to be wrong.
We cannot take advantage of you, we cannot be false to you, we cannot be wronged by your actions as long as they truly make you happy.
-Yes, we still want you. Very much so, we just aren't willing to disrespect you or ourselves enough to be arrogant or presumptuous about it.
-Yes, we can still tell you a lie, or hide things. We WANT you to askus about these things, but only you. We need to know that someone will accept the amount of trust we put in them.
-Yes, it still hurts us everytime when you go out with another guy that we just know doesn't want whatever you except for eye candy, or a trophy, or sex, or whatever.
We are seemingly punished for caring, and for now, I am done being punished. Most of you have my phone number. You can call me for once, and ask me out. Am I worth it? Yes, but, I am worth so much more you won't believe for a long time, if you ever do....and I am only getting better.
Sunday, November 5, 2006
Obviously not important to anyone else
If I send you a message, and it seems like I'm lonely, I probably FUCKING AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for not giving a shit. I tried to explain........oh, I don't know...........65,000 times.........no matter. You know what, I forsook some people that don't really give shit about me tonight, for some people that supposedly do....I still don't know. WHY? Well because, if you put your arm around a girl, and all you REALLY FUCKING MEAN IS HEY, I'M HERE, AND I'M GLAD YOU ARE TOO. GUESS WHAT?! NO ONE FUCKING CARES!?!!?? HAHA YOU'RE DICK ISN'T BIG ENOUGH, YOUR PICTURE ISN'T FUCKING "GQ" ENOUGH, or you actually give a damn....... and they are gonna wonder why these assholes don't call or give a fuck later. You know what? Go fuck yourselves. I gave you EVERY BIT OF MYSELF THAT I COULD AND YOU PISSED ALL OVER IT.
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