Those that may love me

Thanks. Maybe I don't say it often enough. I am glad you are out there. You save me time and time again. Sometimes way before I even need it.

Breaking

Another day, another brick. Mortar is a bit salty, and sparse. This was no cask of Amontillado, and no one is being walled in, for certain.

Cause to thine misery I do offer my countenance, as nary a worthy one. Bit back from tongue forevermore the trying note. Twas only I sought most incremental reciprocity, which was too much for my honesty put paid. Gifted instead, he, who places no value in it so much as I would live for those simple three.

Things are just going

straight some days, crooked others. I'm not crooked, mind you. A little bored maybe, but only because I keep spending TONS of time doin things I would rather not be doing, heh. They do need to be done though......at least I am useful somewhere, and I haven't made anyone miserable in a few days (I think, I could be wrong). Pretty tired all around. Gonna have to keep this up for a while, and, in fact, increase the tempo too.....'No rest for the weary' (I prefer "No rest for the wicked." but 'weary' is the original. In case any of you read this, and have felt left out lately, I'm sorry, I am just really busy. Much love to many, greatest to a few.......later.

Where does one go from there?

Depends on where there is....... Hope? Success? Steps in the right direction? Yeah, sure. What if you can see the direction divergent, and wish to will it anon? Do you succeed there? Methinks it truer and simpler to simply stalk the shadows, striking matches when needed, and lighting the prisms when called upon...... Flights of fancy are seldom fancy. Some things you think are complicated, are just complex. There really only is one road through the labyrinth for each of us. Your perspective is your reality, no harm in trying to make it objective, or is there?

No takers

Seek Solace, find none. One has my shield (endure any sufferance). One has my sword (spread any sufferance). One has my heart (simulacrum of sufferance). None have my soul (command of sufferance). I need only the last. Leading edge.....SOLO ERRANT.

Say it, I will heed it, you quartet, my houris and the meeting of twins. Not exactly "wise-men" all, but all I have left, and how many of them? We'll see.

Leading edge

Dreams and aspirations drive many people to their goals and finish lines. The truest dreams, lead the journey down the challenging and honing path of creation, destruction and profound adaptation....

I am a becoming. This is what I seek. I have no final stop. MY dream, my aspiration, is to expand my mind, my soul, my horizons. Never stop. Learning is the lesson. I learn from each and everyone of you, and I thank you all for this, from the deepest shadowed recesses of my incandescent soul.... Every day holds the possibility that a new experience is just around the corner. No drugs needed. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. How BORING would THAT be? *laughs*

I once held limited dreams. They were shattered. It may have been the best thing that ever happened to me (excluding times with other people that are part of my life-those are NEVER superceded). I am so much more now than my dreams ever could have foretold. My "dreams" now, are less about flying, and more about triumph. I have no need to seek an angel any longer.

I am my becoming my very own force to be reckoned with.....I am here to be the best. My saga enters stage now. You can start to be a part, or you can continue to be a part. Rehearsals are over. What do you wanna do?

This is my future. What is YOURS? *smile*

Before I lay me down to rest

I think I'll try for a little more upbeat. Still gonna be a little of the "soul laid bare" if you will, but in a hopefully more positive note.

I grew up in a not too peculiar, but not necessarily preferred set of circumstances. Divorce, and re-marriages were part of my life and almost seemed normal to me growing up. This never meant that I preferred to see them happening, just that they were "par for the course"--to be expected. I have always hoped that I would never put anyone through the same set of circumstances I went through, and saw my own mother and father go through. Time will tell.

I was constantly exposed to the military, and to law enforcement as well. Seems sometimes that those career fields go hand in hand with tumultuous relationships. (My life is a case in point in some ways) I did have a constant, continuous desire to serve others though, as nearly all the men I looked up to growing up served others in some capacity.

When my mother taught me (through action and emotion) that love and compassion are not only reserved for people you gain something from, I took it to heart. Allie pointed it out a time ago, and I had never thought of it before, but I realize more and more each day that it is true. I do not know how to be in love, I do not know much about being a man in modern romance, I do not know how to see everything at just a surface level. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, and here's why: I love. I really, well, and truly love people. I have never met a person that had no redeeming value. Most everyone I meet has a whole gamut of wonderful traits. Not all get as close to me as Allie, or Gwen, but some get very close indeed. MY love for each of them is true. Perhaps stronger for some, but no less, or more, true. I cannot seem to help myself. Life is simply full of amazing things. People, places, events.....all things in this life have something to reveal, something to share. I want to be allowed to love people that way, and be accepted for it. I also sometimes want to be romantically loved, and briefly, it seems, I am allowed this at times. I only want what is best for those people though, and sometimes in my intent, I become misguided and put myself in a position to be even more misunderstood than ever before. Sometimes it even makes these people I love angry. I am sorry when it does. I really don't mean to be so alien to the people I care so much about.

I know that there is probably no one else on quite like me. I can accept that. I hope every day that there are people that feel similar. I may be strange to some, but that does not mean I am truly a man apart in every way. I love, I lust, I cry, I bend, I break, I heal, I hurt, I cheer, I smile, I do everything, and feel everything just like you do. I have always aspired to temper these feelings with a measure, or code. This is the first time I have ever attempted to put it in writing, so here it is. I hope this helps some of you understand me, and maybe it will help me understand myself better too. By the way, these things I feel and want to live up to, because I have either seen them in action, or seen the results of lacking them, sometimes by my own hand, sometimes not.....



Harm no innocents -- Strength is given for their protection by the strong

Love purely -- No matter the type of love, let it be deep and true

Mercy grant -- There is no chance of learning or redemption if no mercy is given

Do not be false -- Real deception destroys any possibility of understanding

Communicate -- Solving problems is only possible if you know there is one

Forgiveness -- Because you too probably need it at times, so give it rightly

Be true -- Once a friend, always a friend, if not, then never were

Persevere -- Never give up when challenged, for nothing worth having is easy

Adapt -- Things may not go your way, but if they are going right for others, you can revel in their triumph

Apologize -- Never let the sun go down on an arguement

I wrote this because I am still trying to get someone to understand me bit by bit. I need them to understand, so that everything will be fine. Because I am me, and I will never stop. I will only get better, and I am getting better mostly because of her, and the few others in my life as amazing as she is. She is MG, and I love her with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help make her happy.

I am going to bed now. I am tired, and I just wanna be in the comforting, loving arms of an angel. I shall search again for one, in my dreams.