Before I lay me down to rest

I think I'll try for a little more upbeat. Still gonna be a little of the "soul laid bare" if you will, but in a hopefully more positive note.

I grew up in a not too peculiar, but not necessarily preferred set of circumstances. Divorce, and re-marriages were part of my life and almost seemed normal to me growing up. This never meant that I preferred to see them happening, just that they were "par for the course"--to be expected. I have always hoped that I would never put anyone through the same set of circumstances I went through, and saw my own mother and father go through. Time will tell.

I was constantly exposed to the military, and to law enforcement as well. Seems sometimes that those career fields go hand in hand with tumultuous relationships. (My life is a case in point in some ways) I did have a constant, continuous desire to serve others though, as nearly all the men I looked up to growing up served others in some capacity.

When my mother taught me (through action and emotion) that love and compassion are not only reserved for people you gain something from, I took it to heart. Allie pointed it out a time ago, and I had never thought of it before, but I realize more and more each day that it is true. I do not know how to be in love, I do not know much about being a man in modern romance, I do not know how to see everything at just a surface level. This is not a bad thing in my opinion, and here's why: I love. I really, well, and truly love people. I have never met a person that had no redeeming value. Most everyone I meet has a whole gamut of wonderful traits. Not all get as close to me as Allie, or Gwen, but some get very close indeed. MY love for each of them is true. Perhaps stronger for some, but no less, or more, true. I cannot seem to help myself. Life is simply full of amazing things. People, places, events.....all things in this life have something to reveal, something to share. I want to be allowed to love people that way, and be accepted for it. I also sometimes want to be romantically loved, and briefly, it seems, I am allowed this at times. I only want what is best for those people though, and sometimes in my intent, I become misguided and put myself in a position to be even more misunderstood than ever before. Sometimes it even makes these people I love angry. I am sorry when it does. I really don't mean to be so alien to the people I care so much about.

I know that there is probably no one else on quite like me. I can accept that. I hope every day that there are people that feel similar. I may be strange to some, but that does not mean I am truly a man apart in every way. I love, I lust, I cry, I bend, I break, I heal, I hurt, I cheer, I smile, I do everything, and feel everything just like you do. I have always aspired to temper these feelings with a measure, or code. This is the first time I have ever attempted to put it in writing, so here it is. I hope this helps some of you understand me, and maybe it will help me understand myself better too. By the way, these things I feel and want to live up to, because I have either seen them in action, or seen the results of lacking them, sometimes by my own hand, sometimes not.....



Harm no innocents -- Strength is given for their protection by the strong

Love purely -- No matter the type of love, let it be deep and true

Mercy grant -- There is no chance of learning or redemption if no mercy is given

Do not be false -- Real deception destroys any possibility of understanding

Communicate -- Solving problems is only possible if you know there is one

Forgiveness -- Because you too probably need it at times, so give it rightly

Be true -- Once a friend, always a friend, if not, then never were

Persevere -- Never give up when challenged, for nothing worth having is easy

Adapt -- Things may not go your way, but if they are going right for others, you can revel in their triumph

Apologize -- Never let the sun go down on an arguement

I wrote this because I am still trying to get someone to understand me bit by bit. I need them to understand, so that everything will be fine. Because I am me, and I will never stop. I will only get better, and I am getting better mostly because of her, and the few others in my life as amazing as she is. She is MG, and I love her with all my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help make her happy.

I am going to bed now. I am tired, and I just wanna be in the comforting, loving arms of an angel. I shall search again for one, in my dreams.